How I Built My Flat-Pack Trophy Cabinet

A man with my record needs a trophy cabinet, so I ordered one online. It arrived in a flat box, with 214 pieces, one tiny tool and instructions with no words, only pictures of a smiling man. Here are the instructions, with my notes.

The Instructions

Step 1. Open the box. Note: the box was the easiest part. I did it in record time.

Step 2. Lay out all the pieces and count them. Note: I counted 211. Then 216. I stopped counting.

Step 3. Attach panel A to panel B. Note: A and B look exactly the same. I picked the more handsome one.

Step 4. Use the tiny tool to tighten every screw. Note: the tiny tool is tiny. My hands are not. We worked it out.

Step 5. Fit the glass doors. Note: the smiling man in the pictures has a helper. I do not. I asked the doorman.

Step 6. Stand back and admire. Note: I was very good at this step.

The Result

The cabinet stands tall and only leans a little. When I finished, there were three pieces left over. I don’t know where they go.

So I put them on the top shelf, under the lights. They’re the first trophies in my cabinet: one for building it, one for finishing it and one for not reading the instructions.