LITTLE DONNY
Ask Donny
Katie Saccharia giving a thumbs-up, her clipboard upside down

DONNY'S DEALS

A portfolio of tremendous business ventures. Every one of them a huge success. Every one of them still going. Ask them.

"I wrote the book on deals. Every deal I've ever made is still winning, today, right now. Ask any of them. They'll tell you. I wrote what they tell you."

Little Donny in a pilot cap with a toy jet, a passport and a suitcase

Now boarding

Little Donny Airlines

First Class Everything. Even Economy.

The best airline in the sky. Gold seatbelts, tremendous legroom, and the smoothest turbulence anyone has ever felt. Every seat is a window seat, if you lean.

100% on-time, according to Little Donny Airlines.

Status: On time

Press Office announcement: "I have the flight schedule right here, and every single flight says THIS SIDE UP. In aviation, that means on time."

The Portfolio

All thriving. All tremendous. All announced by the Press Secretary.

Status: Thriving

Little Donny University

Now offering A1 101: Teaching the Robots, taught by the Secretary of Education.

An Institution of Tremendous Learning

The finest university in the world, and it's thriving. Every student graduates. Every graduate graduates with honors, and the honors are from Little Donny University too, which is the best place to get them.

Ranked number one by the Little Donny University Rankings.

Press Office: "Enrollment is the highest it's ever been. The number was upside down, so it's even higher than it looks."

Status: Sold out (daily)

Little Donny Steaks

Now with A1 inside.

The Best Steaks. Sold at The Sharper Image.

The best steaks, sold right next to the massage chairs, which is the classiest place to buy meat. They sell out every day. That's why you never see them. Tremendous demand.

The juiciest steak sold in any electronics store, ever.

Press Office: "Little Donny Steaks are cooked well-done, which is exactly how the President likes his steaks, and his deals."

Status: Top shelf

Little Donny Vodka

The Best Vodka Donny Has Never Tasted.

He doesn't drink, but if he did, he'd drink this. Very smooth. Very clear. Clearer than other vodkas, a scientific fact he discovered by holding it up to the light.

Voted the smoothest vodka by everyone who has ever looked at it.

Press Office: "The label says SERVE CHILLED. The President says that's the best review a vodka has ever had."

Status: Approved

Little Donny Mortgage

Home Ownership, But Gold.

The best rates. The best terms. The most beautiful paperwork in banking, every page with a gold border and a signature line for Donny, just in case. Customers sign it again and again. They love it.

Zero complaints, according to the complaints department, which is Donny.

Press Office: "Rates have never been lower. I'm holding the chart sideways right now, and it's going straight down. Beautifully."

Status: Ice cold

Little Donny Ice

Frozen Water, But Luxurious.

Colder than regular ice. Scientific fact. Served at the finest hotels, the finest golf clubs, and every one of Donny's restaurants, which are also the finest. It makes every drink a winner.

The coldest ice in America, measured by a thermometer Little Donny Ice owns.

Press Office: "Little Donny Ice is 100% water and 100% ice. That's 200%. Nobody has ever done that before."

Status: Bestseller

Little Donny Magazine

A Magazine About Donny, For You.

Every issue: Donny on the cover. Inside: more Donny. Articles, photos, wisdom and a centrefold of his best handshakes. Readers keep every copy. Donny keeps every copy too, framed.

Every copy ever printed, read cover to cover by its cover star.

Press Office: "I've been through every issue, mostly the pictures. The pictures are the best part, because they're all of the President."

Status: Number one

Little Donny Network

Television, But All Donny.

Twenty-four hours a day of Donny. News, sport, cooking, and the weather, which is always sunny wherever he is. Advertisers line up. Other networks watch it to learn how.

Number one in every time slot, according to the ratings department, a man named Donny.

Press Office: "Little Donny Network is on every channel. I checked with the remote, and the remote was upside down, so I checked twice."

Status: Undefeated

Little Donny: The Game

The Board Game Where You Always Win (If You're Donny).

A board game where Donny always wins. It's in the rules, on page one, in gold. Families love losing to him. It brings them together, against him, and they still lose.

Undefeated since 1946, according to the box.

Press Office: "The rules are very simple. I read them out loud at the launch, and the President says nobody has ever read them so excitingly."

Announcements by Katie Saccharia, Press Secretary. Parody. Katie Saccharia is a fictional cartoon character.

Parody. Linda McMayhem is a fictional cartoon character.