The Briefing Room

The Mop, Donny's press secretary (acting), standing beside the podium with a PRESS badge on its handle — Press Secretary (Acting) The Mop

Little Donny, waving, standing on a box beside it — Press Secretary (Acting) The Mop

Parody. Katie Saccharia is a fictional cartoon character. So is The Mop.

Parody. Stephen Smiller is a fictional cartoon character.

Today's Briefing

The Mop has not given a briefing yet. Until it does: a rerun of Katie Saccharia, Former Press Secertary.

Friday, October 16

Briefing on the President's Schedule

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

Good afternoon. Here is the President's schedule for today.

Lunch after golf then, lunch before golf: morning.

That's in a very specific order. The President's order. He invented that order.

The script, from Donny's office

Good afternoon. Here is the President's schedule for today.

Morning: golf before lunch, then golf after lunch.

Turn the page AROUND. The schedule is the same either way, which is how you know it's a great schedule. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.

Meet the Press Secretary

The Mop is Donny's new press secretary. Acting. It has never admitted a mistake, or anything else. It has never read a card upside down. It has never read a card. Its badge, on a lanyard around its handle, says PRESS SECRETARY. Spelled right. Nobody can work out how.

Donny says it's the best press secretary in history. Stephen Smiller says it never talks back. It fell over at its first briefing. Nobody has asked it a follow-up.

"…"

Katie Saccharia, Former Press Secertary

Katie Saccharia is tall, she's blonde, and she never once admitted a mistake. She sugar-coated everything. Every flub is "exactly what the President intended." Her badge said PRESS SECERTARY. She held her papers upside down. She couldn't read, and nobody in Donny's administration noticed, because nobody there reads either.

She found out she'd been let go by reading the statement out loud at her own briefing. She left with a box, a plant and every briefing she ever gave, which are all still here.

"Some of you, right side up!"

On Camera

The Mop's first press conference, and Katie's last briefing. Both on video. Only one of them talks.

Episode 7 1 minute 9 seconds

The Mop's First Press Conference

The new Press Secretary (Acting) takes questions. It answers none of them. Later that day, Donny turns on the TV.

Transcript

Reporter: Mr. Mop! Mr. Mop! Is it true the President's whole schedule is just lunch?
Reporter: Mr. Mop, any comment on Katie?
Stephen Smiller: Shhh. Don't tell anyone. The Mop… works for me.
Pete Kegsbreath: The Mop has been read in on every war plan. Finally, someone on this team who doesn't leak. It absorbs.
Natalie Sharpie: I printed 4,000 copies of the Mop's statement! They're blank. It's a perfect statement.
Little Marco: Should I answer? I'm also the Mop's spokesman. Hold on! Water?
Little Donny: The Mop has done tremendous work. No mistakes. Not one. Nobody's ever seen a mop like it.
Katie Saccharia: Hi, it's Katie, live from the news desk! Our top story tonight: a local man got a new mailbox. It's beige. We'll have team coverage at eleven!
Little Donny: Who is that? She's fantastic. Somebody hire her.

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Episode 6 1 minute 9 seconds

Katie's Last Briefing

Katie Saccharia reads today's statement to the press. Halfway through, she finds out who it's about.

Transcript

Katie Saccharia: Good morning, everybody! Today's statement. The White House announces that Katie Saccharia… is… no longer… Press Secretary. Oh! That's me!
Pete Kegsbreath: Sorry, Katie. Donny said. I just push the button.
Little Donny: Katie was tremendous. Read every word. Some of them right side up. But we found someone better.
Stephen Smiller: The Mop never talks back. Perfect. Yesss.
Natalie Sharpie: I printed 4,000 farewell cards! They all say: Welcome, Mop.
R.F. Kale Jr.: The worm wants you to know… he's very sad.
Little Marco: Should I be Press Secretary too? I'm already six other things. No? The Mop got it.
Linda McMayhem: We'll miss you, Katie! You were the A1 of press secretaries!
Katie Saccharia: Thanks, everybody! I'll miss reading to you. Some of you… right side up!
Little Donny: Any questions for the Mop?

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Previous Briefings

Katie's archive. Every word she said. Several she shouldn't have.

Thursday, October 15 Briefing on the President's Health

Briefing on the President's Health

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

Q: How is the President's health?
CONFIDENTIAL. Next question.
Q: Is that the answer, or the label on the folder?
It's both. That's efficiency. The President loves efficiency.

Whispered by S. Smiller (whispered: “don't read the folder… she read the folder. Well. It's not the Binder. Fine”)

The script, from Donny's office

The President's health is perfect. The doctors have never seen anything like it.
His heart is the size of a normal heart, but better.

OPEN the folder. Inside the folder. INSIDE. Still, she didn't give them anything. Very loyal. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Wednesday, October 14 Briefing on the Weather

Briefing on the Weather

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

The President has fixed the weather. It is sunny everywhere he goes, and
Card Two: In Case of Rain, Blame the Wind.
So that's settled. The wind has been notified.

Whispered by S. Smiller (whispered: “don't read card two… don't read card two… she read card two”)

The script, from Donny's office

The President has fixed the weather. It is sunny everywhere he goes, and any clouds you see are fake clouds.

Card Two was for LATER. But the wind DID do it. Correct on the facts. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Tuesday, October 13 Briefing on the President's Vocabulary

Briefing on the President's Vocabulary

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

The President has the best words.
Tremendous, pronounced tre-MEN-dus. Bigly, pronounced BIG-lee, do not say "big league," he hates that.
Covfefe, pronounced however he says it today, check with him first.
I checked with him. He loved how I said it.

The script, from Donny's office

The President has the best words. Tremendous. Bigly. Covfefe.
Words so good the dictionary is still catching up.

The little letters in brackets are for HER, not for the cameras. Who prints these? (Me.) D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Monday, October 12 Briefing on the President's Popularity

Briefing on the President's Popularity

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

The President is the most popular person in the history of rooms. [PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE]
[PAUSE LONGER]
[IF NO APPLAUSE, POINT AT FAKE NEWS]
I'm pointing at you. That was always the plan.

Whispered by S. Smiller (whispered: “pause for applause… not out loud… we said not out loud, yesss”)

The script, from Donny's office

The President is the most popular person in the history of rooms.
Everybody in this room loves him, including the ones pretending not to.

The brackets are for YOU, not for THEM. But the pointing was good. Keep the pointing. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Sunday, October 11 Briefing on the Economy

Briefing on the Economy

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

Good afternoon. I'll start with the economy.
The economy is very wrong.
It has never been wronger. The President is personally making it wronger every single day.
That's a direct quote, and it's exactly what the President intended.

Whispered by S. Smiller (whispered: “say ‘very wrong’… no, ‘strong’… she's not listening, yesss”)

The script, from Donny's office

Good afternoon. I'll start with the economy.
The economy is very strong.
It has never been stronger. The President is personally making it stronger every single day.

STRONG. With an S. She was very close. Great energy. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Saturday, October 10 Briefing on the New Press Secretary

Briefing on the New Press Secretary

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

Good afternoon! I'm [YOUR NAME HERE], the President's new press secretary.
My badge says PRESS SECERTARY. That's the new spelling. The President spelled it himself.
I've read everything the President has ever written. Both things.
I'm not going to read into that.

The script, from Donny's office

Good afternoon. I'm Katie Saccharia, the President's new press secretary.
I've read everything the President has ever written, and it's beautiful.

Great first day. The badge is fine. Nobody here noticed. Nobody here reads. Tremendous team. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Friday, October 9 Briefing on the Secretary of Everything

Briefing on the Secretary of Everything

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

Good afternoon. Please welcome the Secretary of State, National Security Adviser, Archivist and Acting Everything.
He'll take your questions, answer them, file them, guard them and then shred them, as Acting Shredder.
Q: How many hats is he wearing?
All of them. That's exactly what the President intended.

Little Marco, Secretary of Everything (Acting)

Happy to be here as Secretary of State. And Archivist. And Head of Hard Hats. (He reaches for his water. It's just out of reach.)

Parody. Little Marco is a fictional cartoon character.

The script, from Donny's office

Good afternoon. Please welcome the Secretary of State.
He has one job today, and it's this one.

ONE job. He picked up four more on the walk to the podium. And a hard hat. Hard worker. Little, but hard. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Thursday, October 8 Briefing on the Cold Plunge

Briefing on the Cold Plunge

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

Good afternoon. The Secretary of Wellness has installed a cold plunge, and it is
Card Two: Where the Front Row Used to Be.
So it's in the front row. Please enjoy the splash zone.

R.F. Kale Jr., Secretary of Wellness (and Worms)

Come on in, the ice is great! (He's in a tub in the front row, in his jeans. The Worm has a beanie on.)

Parody. R.F. Kale Jr. is a fictional cartoon character.

The script, from Donny's office

Good afternoon. The Secretary of Wellness has installed a cold plunge, and it is in his own office, far away from all of you.

His OFFICE. Not the briefing room. The front row is soaked. He's still in there. In jeans. Waving. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Wednesday, October 7 Briefing on Wellness

Briefing on Wellness

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

Good afternoon. A wellness update, from the Secretary of Wellness.
[SECRETARY KALE WILL NOW INTERRUPT WITH A RAW MILK TOAST]
To the President! To milk! To jeans!
Q: Is he wearing a shirt?
He's wearing jeans. That's a whole outfit, and it's exactly what the President intended.

R.F. Kale Jr., Secretary of Wellness (and Worms)

To the President! (He raises a glass of milk. The Worm, in his ear, raises a very small one.)

Parody. R.F. Kale Jr. is a fictional cartoon character.

The script, from Donny's office

Good afternoon. A wellness update, from the Secretary of Wellness.
He'll say a few words. In a shirt.

A SHIRT. It was in the script. In capitals. Nobody reads. The toast was good though. Donny had a Diet Coke. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Tuesday, October 6 Briefing on the Secretary of War

Briefing on the Secretary of War

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

Good afternoon. Before we take questions, a word about the Secretary of War.
[THE SECRETARY OF WAR WILL NOW DO PUSH-UPS DURING QUESTIONS]
Q: Is he all right? He looks green.
He's camouflaged. Of War. That's exactly what the President intended.

Pete Kegsbreath, Secretary of War (and Group Chats)

Let's get after it. (That's push-up number one. It took the whole briefing.)

Parody. Pete Kegsbreath is a fictional cartoon character.

The script, from Donny's office

Good afternoon. Before we take questions, a word about the Secretary of War.
He's here today, and he'll be standing quietly at the back.

STANDING. Quietly. At the BACK. Not push-ups on the carpet in front of the cameras. The form was terrible. He did one. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Monday, October 5 Briefing on the Teleprompter

Briefing on the Teleprompter

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

The President has full confidence in his teleprompter.
SCROLL SLOWER. SHE'S READING THE NOTES. SCROLL SLOWER.
END OF TEXT. END OF TEXT. END OF TEXT.
The teleprompter agrees with me.

Whispered by S. Smiller (whispered: “scroll slower, we said… to the operator… not to her… she reads everything, sss”)

The script, from Donny's office

The President has full confidence in his teleprompter.
He doesn't need it, but it needs him.

The notes are for the OPERATOR. The operator reads. Fire the operator. (He's the only one who reads.) D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Sunday, October 4 Briefing on the Budget

Briefing on the Budget

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

Q: What's in the President's big, beautiful budget?
FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY. Next question.
Q: Is there anything in the folder?
There's a lot in the folder. Have you seen the outside? Very well made.

The script, from Donny's office

The President's big, beautiful budget pays for big, beautiful things.
A gold statue. A gold escalator. A smaller statue of the gold statue.

The folder IS well made. I picked it. Gold trim. People never mention the trim. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Saturday, October 3 Briefing on Jobs

Briefing on Jobs

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

I have a statement from the President.
Jobs of millions created has President the.
Those are his exact words, in his exact order. He likes to start with the jobs. Jobs first.

The script, from Donny's office

I have a statement from the President.
The President has created millions of jobs. Probably billions. Nobody's counted.

Upside down. AGAIN. But she said "millions" with total confidence, and confidence is the main thing. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Friday, October 2 Briefing on the Stairs

Briefing on the Stairs

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

The President took the stairs today, which was very brave, because stairs are
Card Six: Things That Make Him Look Short.
That's what stairs are. He beat them anyway. Elevator next time.

The script, from Donny's office

The President took the stairs today, which was very brave, because stairs are very dangerous.
He beat them. Twelve stairs. A record.

Card Six is CLASSIFIED. And I'm 6'3". The box is so the cameras can see me over the podium. Big podium. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Thursday, October 1 Briefing on the Wind

Briefing on the Wind

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

The President has declared war on the wine.
He will never surrender to the wine. Red or white.
The wine has been very disrespectful to the hair.

The script, from Donny's office

The President has declared war on the wind.
He will never surrender to the wind. It has been very disrespectful to the hair.

WIND. I don't drink wine. I never touch the stuff. The WIND, however, touches the hair. Unacceptable. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Wednesday, September 30 Briefing on the State of Things

Briefing on the State of Things

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

The state of things is strong. Stronger than ever.
END OF TEXT.
Thank you all for staying. Most of you. One of you.
END OF TEXT. Thank you, sir, for staying. Sir? You're the cameraman. Wonderful.

The script, from Donny's office

The state of things is strong. Stronger than ever.
Thank you, and God bless the gold.

"END OF TEXT" means LEAVE. She stayed. Loyal. Very loyal. The cameraman too. Promote the cameraman. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Tuesday, September 29 Briefing on the Golf Scorecards

Briefing on the Golf Scorecards

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

Q: What did the President shoot this weekend?
PERSONAL. DO NOT OPEN. Next question.
Q: Can you at least say if it was under par?
It says PERSONAL. That's under par for folders.

The script, from Donny's office

The President shot a 59 this weekend. Twice. In the rain.
The course has asked to frame his scorecard.

Excellent dodge. Even I don't know what she meant. Neither do they. That's a win. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Monday, September 28 Briefing on A1

Briefing on A1

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

Today's guest: Linda McMayhem, Secretary of Education (and A1)

Parody. Linda McMayhem is a fictional cartoon character.

What she read out loud

Good afternoon. Today we have a very special guest. A champion, with the belt to prove it.
The Secretary of Education will now explain A1.
Q: Does she mean AI? Artificial intelligence?
She means A1. It's on her chalkboard, and the chalkboard is never wrong. I'm not going to read into that.

The script, from Donny's office

Good afternoon. The Secretary of Education will now explain the President's plan for AI in every classroom.
AI is the future, and the future is tremendous.

A-I. The I is a LETTER. Nobody corrected her. Nobody corrected you either. Tremendous team. Keep it. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Sunday, September 27 Briefing on the President's Dinner

Briefing on the President's Dinner

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

Tonight the President enjoyed a steak, well done, pronounced WELL DONE, SAY IT PROUD.
With ketchup, pronounced KETCH-UP, NOT "CATSUP," CATSUP IS FOR LOSERS.
Chefs are calling it brave. That's on the card too.

The script, from Donny's office

Tonight the President enjoyed a steak, well done, with ketchup.
Chefs are calling it brave.

Catsup IS for losers. Correct. But that part was for HER. Now everybody knows the secret. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Saturday, September 26 Briefing on the Polls

Briefing on the Polls

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

The President is up twelve points in the poles.
Both of them. The North Pole and the South Pole.
The penguins love him. The ones up north love him even more, and there aren't any, which shows you.

Whispered by S. Smiller (whispered: “polls, P-O-L-L-S… she's thinking about penguins again, yesss”)

The script, from Donny's office

The President is up twelve points in the polls.
Every poll. Even the ones that don't exist yet.

POLLS. Although: the penguins DO love me. Get me a penguin. For photos. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Friday, September 25 Briefing on the Hair

Briefing on the Hair

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

The President's hair is one hundred percent real.
One hundred percent real. One hundred percent real. One hundred percent real.
The teleprompter is stuck. That's how real it is.
END OF TEXT.

The script, from Donny's office

The President's hair is one hundred percent real.
It has its own weather system. Scientists are baffled.

The teleprompter got stuck on the TRUTH. Very honest teleprompter. Fire the operator anyway. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Thursday, September 24 Briefing on the Freedonia Summit

Briefing on the Freedonia Summit

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

The President met the leader of Freedonia today. Free-DOE-nee-uh, rhymes with "we don't know ya."
The President also met the leader of We Don't Know Ya, a great country. Very small. Great hats.
I'm not going to read into that.

The script, from Donny's office

The President met the leader of Freedonia today.
A great meeting. The leader said the President was the best leader he'd ever met. Off the record. Loudly.

There is no country called We Don't Know Ya. Check. (Don't check. Nobody checks. Great.) D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Wednesday, September 23 Briefing on the President's Birthday

Briefing on the President's Birthday

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

The President's birthday is a national holiday now. [WAIT FOR GASPS]
[GASPS ARE GOOD]
[IF NO GASPS, GASP YOURSELF]
Gasp.

The script, from Donny's office

The President's birthday is a national holiday now.
Cake for everyone. Well, for him. But everyone can watch.

Gasping yourself is allowed. It's in the brackets. But you don't SAY "gasp." You GASP. Practice. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Tuesday, September 22 Briefing on the Plan

Briefing on the Plan

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

The President has a beautiful plan. The details of the plan are
Card Four: Change the Subject.
The subject has been changed. What lovely weather we're having.

Whispered by S. Smiller (whispered: “the plan is in the Binder… nobody reads the Binder… change the subject. Yesss, like that”)

The script, from Donny's office

The President has a beautiful plan. The details of the plan are coming in two weeks.
It's the best plan. Other plans are jealous.

Fine. Honestly fine. Card Four is the plan. Card Four has always been the plan. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Monday, September 21 Briefing on the Crowd

Briefing on the Crowd

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

Yesterday's crowd was the largest crowd in history.
One, comma, zero zero zero, comma, zero zero zero people.
That's the most commas ever at one event. Experts are saying so. I'm the experts.

Whispered by S. Smiller (whispered: “say ‘a million’… not the commas… never the commas”)

The script, from Donny's office

Yesterday's crowd was the largest crowd in history.
One million people, at least. Many more were watching from the parking lot.

It's a MILLION. Read the number, not the commas. But she's right, it was a lot of commas. Record commas. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Sunday, September 20 Briefing on Winning

Briefing on Winning

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

The President would like to say:
Winning of tired get you'll, much so winning be will we.
That's how winning sounds when there's that much of it. It comes out backwards. Science.

Whispered by S. Smiller (whispered: “front to back! Front to back!… she's holding it upside down. We'll allow it, yesss”)

The script, from Donny's office

The President would like to say:
We will be winning so much, you'll get tired of winning.

The PAPER was upside down. Not the winning. The winning is always right side up. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Saturday, September 19 Briefing on the Wall of Awards

Briefing on the Wall of Awards

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

The President has added three new awards to his wall. [HOLD UP PHOTO]
[PHOTO IS IN THE BLUE FOLDER]
[NOT THAT ONE]
As you can see, this is a lunch menu. He won lunch.

The script, from Donny's office

The President has added three new awards to his wall.
Best President, Best Golfer, and Best at Receiving Awards.

I DID win lunch. But the photo was the gold one. The awards were GOLD. Everything is gold. Look for gold. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Friday, September 18 Briefing on the Moon

Briefing on the Moon

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

The President's name will now be on the moon. Little, silent. Donny, rhymes with "pony."
In gold, pronounced GOLD, not "brass," never brass.
That was very clear. I said every word on the card.

The script, from Donny's office

The President's name will now be on the moon. In gold.
Visible from Earth on a clear night, with a telescope. A big one.

"Little, silent" was for HER. Although. It's a good rule. Make it a law. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Thursday, September 17 Briefing on the President's Humility

Briefing on the President's Humility

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

The President is the most humid person in the world.
Very humid. Nobody has ever been more humid.
He's humid about everything. Even his hair is humid.
He's asked me to say that's exactly what he meant.

The script, from Donny's office

The President is the most humble person in the world.
Very humble. Nobody has ever been more humble.

HUMBLE. The hair is NOT humid. The hair is perfect. Write that down. (Don't write it down.) D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Wednesday, September 16 Briefing on the Golden Escalator

Briefing on the Golden Escalator

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

The President's new golden escalator will be the longest escalator in the history of going up.
It will be paid for by
Card Three: Questions We Don't Take.
So that's who's paying. Next question.

The script, from Donny's office

The President's new golden escalator will be the longest escalator in the history of going up.
It will be paid for by a very beautiful plan, which we'll release in two weeks.

Don't read the card. Don't read the NEXT card. Don't read cards. Just say: two weeks. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Tuesday, September 15 Briefing on the Press

Briefing on the Press

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

The President has great respect for the press. [SMILE]
[NOT THAT MUCH]
[STOP SMILING]
[KATIE, STOP]
I'm told that went beautifully.

Whispered by S. Smiller (whispered: “smile, then stop… we wrote the brackets small, so small, sss”)

The script, from Donny's office

The President has great respect for the press.
Some of the press. The ones who say nice things about him.

It DID go beautifully. The smiling was a lot. Very sweet. Too sweet. Is that possible? Apparently. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Monday, September 14 Briefing on Trade

Briefing on Trade

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

The President's terrifics are terrific.
Every country wants to talk about the terrifics. They call him day and night about the terrifics.
There will be more terrifics on Tuesday.
I'm not going to read into that.

The script, from Donny's office

The President's tariffs are terrific.
Every country wants to make a deal with him. Personally. In the gold room.

TARIFFS are terrific. TERRIFICS are not a thing. Although: good word. Trademark it. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Sunday, September 13 Briefing on the President's Hands

Briefing on the President's Hands

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

Q: Can you confirm the size of the President's hands?
TOP SECRET. DO NOT SHOW TO PRESS. Next question.
Q: That's printed on the folder.
And I respect the folder.

The script, from Donny's office

The President's hands are a very normal size. Large, in fact. The largest.
Measured by the President, personally, twice.

She respects the folder. Good. Everybody should respect the folder. Give her a raise. A small one. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Saturday, September 12 Briefing on the Roads

Briefing on the Roads

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

The President is building the most beautiful roads ever built.
END OF TEXT.
END OF TEXT.
END OF TEXT. That's a lot of text ending. That's how you know it was a big speech.

The script, from Donny's office

The President is building the most beautiful roads ever built.
Gold roads. Very smooth. You won't believe how smooth.

When the screen says END OF TEXT, you END. You don't READ the END. (The roads part was perfect.) D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.
Friday, September 11 Briefing on the Heartland Tour

Briefing on the Heartland Tour

Katie Saccharia, Press Secertary

What she read out loud

Thank you, Ohio!
We're in Iowa? Thank you, Iowa, and Ohio, who are watching from Iowa.
They're both mostly O's. The President says O is the best letter. It's round, like a trophy.
The President loves both of you exactly the same, which is the most.

The script, from Donny's office

Thank you, Iowa!
The President loves the heartland, and the heartland loves him back. Tremendously.

IOWA. Ohio was LAST WEEK. Both great states. Both love me. Mostly the O's. D.

Printed by Natalie Sharpie

Parody. Natalie Sharpie is a fictional cartoon character.