Donny's Awards
THE TROPHY ROOM
Every award Little Donny has ever won, polished daily. And the Hall of Fame, where very famous admirers say very real things.
The most prestigious award
Lifetime Achievement in Being Little Donny
For outstanding excellence in being Donny every single day for his entire life. Nobody has been Donny longer or better.
Presented by: Unanimous Decision (He Was the Only Voter)
Presented by the Secretary of Education (and A1)
Best Use of Steak Sauce in Education Policy
"This award goes to the President, for putting A1 in every classroom in America. A1 is the future. A1 is the champion. And it goes great on a steak."
— Linda McMayhem, holding the bottle high, the belt on. Nobody corrected her.
Parody. Linda McMayhem is a fictional cartoon character.
Presented by the Press Secretary
The Golden Teleprompter
"It is my great honor to present this award to the President, for the best words ever said out loud. I'll read the citation in full: BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED. Powerful words. Exactly what the President intended."
— Katie Saccharia, Press Secretary, holding the citation upside down
Parody. Katie Saccharia is a fictional cartoon character.
The Cabinet's Trophies
Donny lets the cabinet keep a shelf each. Small ones. Next to his.
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Pete Kegsbreath · Secretary of War (and Group Chats)
Most Push-Ups During a Press Conference (Form Not Judged)
Presented to Pete Kegsbreath, Secretary of War (and Group Chats), for one push-up, done very slowly, all the way through the questions. The judges looked away for the form. Then they took a nap.
Presented by: The Department of War (Judging Itself)
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R.F. Kale Jr. · Secretary of Wellness (and Worms)
Coldest Plunge, Still in Jeans
Presented to R.F. Kale Jr., Secretary of Wellness (and Worms), for the coldest plunge ever taken in a full pair of jeans and a belt. The Worm accepted on his behalf, in a beanie.
Presented by: The Department of Wellness (and Worms)
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Little Marco · Secretary of Everything (Acting)
Most Jobs Held at Once
Presented to Little Marco, Secretary of Everything (Acting), for holding every job in the building at the same time. He presented it, accepted it, filed it and guarded it. Then he reached for his water.
Presented by: Little Marco (as Head of the Awards Committee, Acting)
Parody. Pete Kegsbreath, R.F. Kale Jr. and Little Marco are fictional cartoon characters.
The Trophy Shelf
Tap a certificate to see it in full. Every one well-deserved. Every one definitely real.
"I don't do things for the awards. The awards just happen. I wake up, and there's another award. 'Donny, you've won Best Morning Person.' I didn't even know that was a category. But I won it. Every day. Since 1946."
The Hall of Fame
What very famous admirers have said about Little Donny. The sitters were all busy on portrait day, so Donny sat for every portrait himself.
Every testimonial verified by Donny's verification team (Donny)
Testimonial of the century
“I wish I had his hair.”
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A Definitely Real Doctor Medical Professional “Donny is very tall and has normal-sized hands.”
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My Legs Lower Extremities “He's a tremendous dancer.”
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A Waiter (Probably) Food Service Industry “I've never seen anyone eat a steak so powerfully.”
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The Internet Global Network “Little Donny explained computers to me.”
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The Dictionary Reference Material “He has the best words.”
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Mount Rushmore All Four Faces Agreed “Donny showed me how to be more presidential.”
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Success Itself Abstract Concept “I owe my career to him.”
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A Horse Who Knows About Stability “Very stable genius. The stablest.”
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Father Time Temporal Entity “He's like a son to me.”
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A Door Entryway Professional “Donny taught me how to close deals.”
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Classical Music Genre Representative “He understood our music immediately.”