LITTLE DONNY
Ask Donny
R.F. Kale Jr., shirtless in blue jeans, a hand on his hip and a glass of milk in the other, a tiny worm in his ear

The Department of Wellness (and Worms)

MAKE LITTLE DONNY HEALTHY AGAIN

R.F. Kale Jr., Secretary of Wellness, has a plan for the President: raw cheeseburgers, cold plunges in jeans, and a worm. The President has a heated chair.

Not health advice. Please ask a real doctor. The Worm is not a doctor.

Parody. Pete Kegsbreath and R.F. Kale Jr. are fictional cartoon characters.

The Donny Diet

The Secretary's plan for the President's day, approved by the President, mostly. The cheeseburgers are raw now. Then they're cooked. It's a process.

  1. Breakfast

    One cheeseburger. Raw.

    The Secretary's idea. Donny sent it back. It came back well done, with ketchup. Everybody's calling it the greatest compromise in history.

  2. Mid-morning

    A glass of raw milk, for the cameras

    Donny held it at arm's length for the photo, then had a Diet Coke. "It's the diet one. That's the diet."

  3. Lunch

    Kale salad, with a cheeseburger on top

    The cheeseburger is the garnish. Then the kale is removed, as a garnish. Very balanced.

  4. Afternoon

    Three push-ups, in jeans

    Coached by the Secretary of War, who is doing one, very slowly. Donny watches from a heated chair. It counts.

  5. Dinner

    Two cheeseburgers, raw, for the photo

    Then cooked, well done, for eating. Then a third, for strength. The Worm has asked not to be told.

  6. Dessert

    Two scoops of ice cream

    Everyone else gets one. The Secretary gets a glass of milk and a look of pure determination.

From the Secretary of Wellness

Wellness Tips

  1. Drink milk while doing a push-up in jeans.
  2. Wear jeans in the shower. Denim is a lifestyle.
  3. Look directly at a cheeseburger while eating kale. It builds character.
  4. Take your shirt off for every photo. Keep the belt on. The belt is load-bearing.
  5. Name the worm in your ear. Ours is called the Worm.

Please don't do any of these. They're jokes. The Worm checked.

Meanwhile, at the Department of War

Pete's Hydration Station

Pete Kegsbreath, Secretary of War (and Group Chats), has his own wellness plan: one very big blue drink, for the push-ups. He's doing one now. It's taking a while.

"Let's get after it. After a nap."

R.F. Kale Jr. in a tub of ice, gritting his teeth and giving a thumbs-up, the worm in a beanie

The Secretary's

Cold Plunge Timer

Ten seconds in the ice, in jeans, from the safety of your screen. You don't get in anything. Nothing gets cold. It's a number going down.

Dear Worm

The Brain Worm lives in the Secretary's ear, wears glasses he doesn't need, and answers your letters. He is not a doctor. He is a worm. He's doing his best in there.

  • How do I get abs like the Secretary's?

    Soft in Sacramento

    Dear Soft in Sacramento: I don't know. I live in his ear. From in here it's mostly the sound of kale being crunched. Please ask someone with a body. I'm doing my best in here.

    The Worm

  • What's it like living in an ear?

    Curious in Kansas

    Dear Curious in Kansas: Loud on Tuesdays: he does a podcast. The rent is fair, and I have a little lamp. Some nights he hums in denim.

    The Worm

  • Why the glasses?

    Squinting in Spokane

    Dear Squinting in Spokane: I don't need them, but they make me look like I've read things. In this administration, that's a promotion.

    The Worm

  • And the beanie?

    Chilly in Chicago

    Dear Chilly in Chicago: He plunges. I live in the ear. The ear goes in the ice. You do the math. I knitted it myself, with no arms.

    The Worm

  • How do I get my boss to put a shirt on?

    Averting My Eyes in Albany

    Dear Averting My Eyes in Albany: We've tried. I left a note in the ear. He thought it was a thought, and now it's a policy: shirts are "optional, of War".

    The Worm

  • Pete keeps adding me to group chats. What do I do?

    Muted in Memphis

    Dear Muted in Memphis: Mute it. Leave. Move to a different ear. He'll add you back. He added me, and I don't have a phone.

    The Worm

  • Who's really in charge in there?

    Suspicious in Sioux Falls

    Dear Suspicious in Sioux Falls: I don't like to brag. Mostly I turn the little wheel that makes him say "jeans". I'm doing my best in here.

    The Worm

  • The President wants to know if a cheeseburger counts as kale.

    The Office of the President

    Dear The Office of the President: If he says so. Everyone here says yes to that. I said yes too. I'm very small, and he is the President.

    The Worm

  • Can I come and visit?

    Hopeful in Hartford

    Dear Hopeful in Hartford: No. It's an ear. There's one chair, and I'm in it.

    The Worm

  • What does the Secretary have for breakfast?

    Peckish in Pittsburgh

    Dear Peckish in Pittsburgh: Whatever's trending. Last week: a glass of milk, a fistful of kale and, by accident, a decorative pinecone. I'm the one who took the pinecone away.

    The Worm

  • Is the plunge timer on this page real?

    Damp in Duluth

    Dear Damp in Duluth: It's a website. It counts down from ten, and nothing happens to you. That's the safest plunge there is. Don't take plunge tips from a worm, though.

    The Worm

  • Why is the Secretary of War green?

    Concerned in Concord

    Dear Concerned in Concord: He says it's camouflage, of War. I'm pink, and nobody asks me anything. Except you. Thank you for writing.

    The Worm

  • Are you the brains of the operation?

    A Big Fan in Boise

    Dear A Big Fan in Boise: I'm a worm with glasses in a man's ear. If I'm the brains, we've all got bigger problems. But thank you. I'm doing my best in here.

    The Worm

Not health advice. Please ask a real doctor. The Worm is not a doctor.

Parody. Pete Kegsbreath and R.F. Kale Jr. are fictional cartoon characters.