Press Secertary
Katie Saccharia
Tall, blonde and never wrong. She reads every word on the card, out loud, sometimes the wrong card. Her clipboard is upside down. Every flub is "exactly what the President intended."
"I'm not going to read into that."
ABOUT DONNY
The official biography of Little Donny. A story of winning, more winning, and even more winning.
The Man. The Legend. The Donny.
Little Donny is, without question, the most interesting person in the world. Maybe the universe. He has done everything, been everywhere, and knows everyone. At least, that's what he'll tell you, and who are you to argue with Donny?
Born with a full head of magnificent hair and a natural talent for negotiation (his first words were "Deal"), Donny has spent his life accumulating achievements, awards, and an extensive list of grievances against inanimate objects.
When he's not winning at life, Donny enjoys looking at gold things, talking about himself, and inventing new words that the dictionary is too slow to recognize.
Official Statistics
| Height | 6'3" (verified by Donny) |
| Weight | Perfect |
| Hand Size | Large. Very large. The largest. |
| IQ | The highest. Probably. |
| Golf Handicap | Zero. Or negative. He's that good. |
| Favorite Color | Gold (obviously) |
| Favorite Food | Well-done steak with ketchup |
| Favorite Person | "I have to pick one?" |
The Donny Timeline
1946
Born. The doctor applauded. The nurses cried tears of joy. The hospital still talks about that day. Mostly to Donny, when he calls.
1947
First word: 'Deal.' Very advanced. Most babies say 'mama' or 'dada.' Not Donny. Business from day one.
1964
Graduated top of his class in everything. Homeschooled, by the best teacher: himself. Perfect grades. He did the grading.
1985
His hair reached its final, perfect form. It hasn't moved since. Not even in wind. Scientists have asked. He said no.
1989
Launched Little Donny Airlines. Still flying. Every flight on time, every seat first class, every landing applauded. He checks personally, from the cockpit.
2005
Founded Little Donny University. Thriving. Every graduate is top of the class, which is a lot of tops. The mortarboards are gold.
2023
Taught the computers to think. All of them. Now when you ask them anything, they say 'tremendous.' 'Very smart machines. They learned from the best.'
2026
Hired a press secretary, Katie Saccharia. She read every word on the card, some of them upside down. 'The best press secretary in history,' said Donny, from his box. Then he replaced her with a mop.
Achievement Gallery
Official portraits, picked by Donny from millions of perfect shots. Every one is his good side.
Winning
A candid shot. They are all candid.
Thinking
Very big thoughts. Some of them twice.
Speaking
To a crowd of thousands. Or one. Same speech.
Cooking
Steak, well done, with ketchup. Five stars, from the chef.
Graduating
Little Donny University. Top of the class. Again.
Flying
Little Donny Airlines. On time, every time.
Anchoring
The news. His news. The tie stays where it is.
Collecting
Another trophy. The shelf has asked for a break.
Meet the Team
Small team. The best team. Hand-picked by Donny, from a list of Donny.
President, CEO, Founder, Pilot, Chef
Little Donny
Does everything else. Runs the airline, the university and the news desk, writes the comics and judges the talent show. Stands on a very tall box at briefings, for the cameras.
"I hire only the best people. Then I do it myself."
Senior Advisor for Whispering
Stephen Smiller
Lurks behind the Briefing Room's curtain and whispers edits into Katie's ear. She repeats them wrong. He guards the Binder, a big red binder of executive orders. Nobody has ever seen inside it. Nobody ever will.
"We wrote it, yesss, we did."
Secretary of Education (and A1)
Linda McMayhem
Came to education from the wrestling business, and kept the championship belt. Wears it with the blazer and the pearls. Calls artificial intelligence "A1", like the steak sauce. Nobody has corrected her. Nobody will.
"A1 in every classroom. It's the champion of technologies."
Parody. Linda McMayhem is a fictional cartoon character.
Secretary of War (and Group Chats)
Pete Kegsbreath
Has a TV anchor's jaw and the look of a man who stayed up too late. Does push-ups during everything, with terrible form. Renames everything "of War". Adds the wrong people to the group chat, then removes them.
"Let's get after it. After a nap."
Secretary of Wellness (and Worms)
R.F. Kale Jr.
Shirtless, in jeans and a belt, barefoot, holding a glass of raw milk. Takes cold plunges in the jeans. A tiny pink worm in glasses lives in his ear, and might be the brains of the operation.
"The Worm and I are in total agreement. I think."
Secretary of Everything (Acting)
Little Marco
Holds every job in the building at once, so he wears all the hats at once: the diplomat's, the officer's, the archivist's visor, a hard hat and, on top, a paper crown. Today he's Secretary of State, National Security Adviser, Archivist, Acting Everything. Tomorrow, more. Always reaching for his water bottle. Donny calls him Little Marco. Fondly. Mostly.
"Happy to help. Which job is this? Hold on. Water."
Parody. Katie Saccharia is a fictional cartoon character.
Parody. Stephen Smiller is a fictional cartoon character.
Parody. Pete Kegsbreath, R.F. Kale Jr. and Little Marco are fictional cartoon characters.
The Team, on Video
The first cabinet meeting, and Donny introducing everyone. Captions on, sound up.
Episode 3 1 minute 26 seconds
The Cabinet Meeting
Donny goes around the table. Everyone reports what they did this week, and who made it possible.
Transcript
- Little Donny: First cabinet meeting. Go around the table. Tell me what you accomplished, and who made it possible.
- Katie Saccharia: I held 40 press briefings. I read every word. Some of them right side up. Only because of you, sir.
- Natalie Sharpie: I printed 4,000 nice things about you this week, and every single one is true. You made that easy, sir.
- Stephen Smiller: I wrote 99 executive orders. Nobody has read them. Not even you, sir. That was your idea. Brilliant. Yes!
- Pete Kegsbreath: Sir, I renamed the cafeteria. It's the Cafeteria of War now. I did twelve push-ups, then a nap. All your vision, sir.
- R.F. Kale Jr.: I took a cold plunge in jeans. The worm says it was your idea, sir.
- The Worm: Not my idea! I'm doing my best in here!
- Little Marco: I did six jobs today. Seven. Hold on, which one is this? Anyway, you gave me all of them, sir.
- Linda McMayhem: I put A1 in every classroom. The kids are learning so much. Mostly about A1. Your vision, sir!
- Little Donny: Tremendous! Everything they did? Me. Nobody's ever seen a meeting like it.
Episode 2 19 seconds
Meet the Team
Donny introduces the best people. All of them, in one breath.
Transcript
- Little Donny: Folks, meet my team. The best people. Katie. Natalie. Smiller. Pete. Kale. Little Marco. Linda. Tremendous. Bring your tie.
Contact Donny
Want to reach out to Little Donny? He promises to respond personally.*
"I read every message. Personally. Or my people do. Same thing. If your message is tremendous, I might respond. If it's not tremendous, I'll probably still respond because I'm very generous with my time. The most generous."
— Little Donny
*He won't respond. He's very busy winning.