THE ENEMIES LIST
A comprehensive dossier of everything that has wronged Little Donny. Very unfair. Sad!
"I don't have enemies. I have people and things that are wrong about everything. I keep records. Very detailed records. The most thorough."
The Files
- 6 Ongoing feud
- 5 Under review
- 3 Negotiating
- 4 Lost to Donny
Stairs
Always trying to make me look short. These things are rigged. Everyone knows it. I prefer elevators. Gold elevators. Stairs have been against me since day one, and I've done nothing to them. Nothing! Going up. Going down. Very suspicious.
Wind
Very disrespectful to the hair. Comes out of nowhere. I've tried to make deals with the wind. It doesn't listen. It has its own agenda. Talks are ongoing. Very tough negotiator, the wind. Not as tough as me.
QR-Code Menus
I sit down at my own restaurant and there's a little square on the table. A square! Where's the menu? "Scan it, sir." I don't scan. I order. Well-done steak and a cheeseburger. The square knows what it did.
The Letter Q
Thinks it's better than me because it has a little tail. Always needs U next to it. Needy. Weak letter. I took it off my monogram, my jet and my steaks. It hasn't been heard from since. Total victory.
Self-Checkout
"Unexpected item in the bagging area." The item was me. I was the unexpected item. Very rude machine. It called a person over to look at me. I've asked my people to review every self-checkout in the country.
Ramps
Out to get me. Slippery when dry. They look innocent, but they're not. Many ramps have betrayed me. I take my time on them now. Very deliberately. It's a statement.
The Teleprompter
Too fast. Then too slow. Then it says "[PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE]" and I say it out loud, because it told me to. It wants to be the star. I'm the star. We're talking. It will end up working for me. Everything does.
Water Bottles
Too small. Impossible to open. Rigged against my hands. My normal-sized hands. We need bigger water bottles in this country. It's a crisis nobody talks about. I'm talking about it.
Open the other 10 files Close the other files
Reply-All
I sent one email. One! "Tremendous job, everyone." Then four hundred people replied to all, saying "Thanks!" and "Who is this?" and "Please remove me." Nobody removes themselves from Donny. I remove them.
Umbrellas
Never work when you need them. Traitors. They open when they shouldn't and fly away when they should open. No loyalty. I stopped using them. Rain respects me anyway. I won.
Automatic Doors
They open for everybody. Everybody! A delivery man. A pigeon. Then I walk up, and nothing. I had to wave. Donny doesn't wave at doors. Doors wave at Donny. A full investigation has been ordered.
Low Doorframes
Not an issue for me personally. I just don't like them, for other people. Tall people. Like me. I'm 6'3". Maybe taller. I walked under one without ducking, and it never recovered.
Salads
Rabbit food. Very suspicious. All those leaves? What's underneath? Nobody knows. I prefer a well-done steak. You can see what you're getting. Transparent. Honest.
Two-Factor Authentication
It wants a code. I am the code. It sent the code to a phone, and the phone was in my other jacket, at my other house, on my other golf course. We're working out a deal. One factor. Me.
The Metric System
A foreign attack on our measurements. Feet are better. I have great feet. Kilometers? Sounds like a disease. I don't use it, so it lost. That's how it works.
Revolving Doors
You can't tell if you're coming or going. Very dishonest doors. Regular doors? Fine. Great even. You push, you pull. Revolving doors are trying to confuse you. Deliberately. My people are looking into it. Around and around.
Autocorrect
Always changing my perfect words. Covfefe was intentional. Look it up. Autocorrect doesn't understand genius. It tries to make me normal. I'm not normal. I'm Donny.
Stairs (Again)
They know what they did. They're on here twice. That's how serious this is. Double entry. Double enemy. Stairs need to be investigated. Many people are saying this.
Official Statement
"The President has no enemies. He has a list, and it's a very long list, and everyone on it is a friend he hasn't beaten yet. The stairs know what they did. I'm not going to read into that."
— Katie Saccharia, Press Secretary, reading from the back of the list
Parody. Katie Saccharia is a fictional cartoon character.