Gobbler's Knob, Pennsylvania
I Out-Forecast the Groundhog. It Wasn't Close.
The groundhog saw his shadow and predicted more winter. I saw mine and predicted more winning. Only one of us was right.
Every February, thousands of people stand in the snow to watch a groundhog look at the ground. This year I went, to show everybody how forecasting is done by a professional.
The Groundhog’s Forecast
He came out of his little stump. He saw his shadow. Six more weeks of winter, they announced. Then he went back inside. No questions. No press conference. Weak.
The weather scientists say he’s right about a third of the time. A third! If I were right a third of the time, I’d still be the greatest forecaster in history. But I’m right all the time, so.
My Forecast
Then I stepped onto the stage and saw my shadow, too. It was enormous. Strong jaw. Great posture. The sun had put it in an excellent position.
I announced six more weeks of winning, followed by a spring of winning, then a summer. Everybody cheered, or shivered. It’s hard to tell in big coats.
The Results
It’s autumn now. Winning happened every single week, just as I said. The groundhog’s winter ended eventually. I’m not saying I’m better than a rodent. The calendar is saying it.
Frequently Asked Questions
How accurate are your forecasts?
One hundred percent. I announce what the weather was after it's over.
Does your shadow work for you?
It follows me everywhere. That's a fan, not an employee.