I Went to the Commonwealth Games. My Wealth Is Not Common.

When I heard about the Commonwealth Games, I assumed it was a competition about wealth. Very exciting. Then I learned it’s sports, with athletes from seventy-four nations and territories. My wealth is not common, but I went anyway.

The Opening Ceremony

For the first time in history, they held the opening ceremony indoors. Many people asked why. I know why. Scotland is windy, and they’d heard my hair was coming. You don’t hold a ceremony outdoors with hair like this. It’s a safety issue.

My Results

The hundred meters: I didn’t run it. I watched it so intensely that I felt like I’d won. That counts in my book, and I’ve written many books.

Swimming: Gold, in the hotel pool. Nobody else entered.

Lawn bowls: You roll a ball very slowly toward another ball. Finally, a sport at my pace. I’m putting it on all my golf courses.

The Medal Count

Two hundred and fifteen gold medals were handed out. I’m counting all of them as mine until someone tells me otherwise, in writing, with a good lawyer.