Barcelona, Spain (Lane One)
I Rode the First Stage of the Tour de France in a Golf Cart
The world's most famous bike race started in Barcelona this year. Nobody said anything about golf carts, so I brought mine.
The Tour de France started in Barcelona this year, with whole teams racing against the clock through the city. I joined in. Not on a bicycle. Bicycles are for people who don’t have golf carts.
The Race
Kilometer 0: Teams of eight riders lined up in tight little outfits. I lined up in my golf cart, in a suit. Somebody had to bring some dignity.
Kilometer 5: We rode past the giant church they’ve been building for a century and a half. I gave it a thumbs-up. It looked a little taller afterward.
Kilometer 18: A big hill at the end. The riders stood up on their pedals and suffered. I pressed my pedal and thought about lunch.
The Result
The officials said my time didn’t count, because of the motor. I said, then don’t count their legs either. Legs are basically motors. They didn’t have an answer for that. I won the argument, which is better than winning a stage.
Next Year
I’ve asked for a golf cart division. The winner gets a yellow jersey, made of gold thread.
Frequently Asked Questions
Are golf carts allowed in the Tour de France?
Nobody told me no. Several people told me 'Sir,' which isn't no.
Did you get the yellow jersey?
I wore a gold one. It's like yellow, but more expensive.