Vienna, Austria (Backstage, Then Onstage, Uninvited)
I Gave Myself Twelve Points at Europe's Big Song Contest
Every country hands out points at Europe's big song contest. I gave myself the maximum. I'm a country of one.
Europe’s biggest song contest turned seventy this year and held its final in Vienna. Every country sings one song, and then every country votes. I thought: I’m basically a country. So I entered.
My Song
It’s called “Donny (The Best).” Here’s the chorus:
Donny, Donny, very tall, Donny, Donny, best of all, When he sings, the nations call, Donny, Donny, buy the hall.
It’s about me, and also about real estate. Two of my favorite subjects.
The Voting
Countries give out points, up to twelve. When it was my turn, I gave myself twelve. Douze points, as they say in French, which I speak fluently whenever it’s about me.
No other country gave me any points. They were nervous. You don’t vote for the competition. It makes you look small.
The Result
Bulgaria won, by the biggest margin in the contest’s history. I didn’t hear their song. I was still singing mine in the hallway, for the people who’d been asked to walk me out. They were moved. Toward the door, but moved.
Frequently Asked Questions
Were you officially in the contest?
I was in it the moment I walked onstage. Security would like you to know that's not how it works.
Who won?
Bulgaria, officially. Unofficially, the man with twelve points from himself.