My New Year's Resolutions, Made in the Firth of Forth

On New Year’s Day, hundreds of people in fancy dress ran into the Firth of Forth, under the Forth Bridge, for the Loony Dook, which turned 40 this year. It was below freezing. I made my resolutions on the way in.

My Resolutions

Ankles. This year, I’ll be humble. Very humble. The most humble person anyone has ever met.

Knees. I’ll eat more vegetables. Real ones, not just the ones in ketchup.

Waist. I’ll be on time, for everything, starting with getting out of the water.

Chest. I’ll take up a new hobby, like swimming. (Gasping.)

Shoulders. (A long scream, which I’m told could be heard on the bridge.)

On the beach again. I’ll never do the Loony Dook again.

The Next Morning

I’ve kept one resolution so far: the last one. I’m told that’s very good going for January the second.

I was also on time for breakfast, so that’s two. I ate a mountain of toast and no vegetables, but the year is young.

Next year I’ll make my resolutions on the beach, in a warm coat, with a hot chocolate. I’ll cheer for everyone who goes in. Somebody has to be dry enough to clap.