Indianapolis, Indiana (Victory Lane)
The Milk I Ordered in Case I Won the Indy 500
Before the race, every driver picks a milk: whole, 2% or fat-free. I filled in the form too. I just didn't enter the race.
A 34-year-old from Sweden has won the 110th Indianapolis 500 by about two hundredths of a second, the closest finish in the race’s history. In Victory Lane, he drank a little milk and poured the rest over his head. I put my milk order in early.
My Milk Form
Driver: Little Donny.
Car: Mine. It’s parked in my driveway, where it’s very fast.
Milk: Whole, 2% or fat-free? None of those. I wrote in chocolate.
Temperature: Cold, but not so cold it hurts my teeth.
Serving: In a tall glass, with a straw. No pouring, please. My suit is dry-clean only.
Extras: Whipped cream, plus a cherry, for the photos.
What the Track Said
The track wrote back very kindly. The milk goes to the winner, and the winner has to drive 500 miles first, which is 200 laps. Also, the choices are whole, 2% or fat-free, and chocolate isn’t one of them.
The tradition goes back to 1936, when a winner asked for a glass of buttermilk. Since 1956, every winner has been handed a bottle.
So I’ve started training. Last night I did 14 laps of my driveway, then stopped for a snack. Only 186 to go. My form is already in for next May. It still says chocolate.
Frequently Asked Questions
How close was the finish?
About two hundredths of a second. I blinked, and when I opened my eyes, the whole thing was over and someone was covered in milk.
Are you a licensed racing driver?
I have a library card and plenty of confidence. I'm told those are different.