A Very Big Stage (In My Mind)
My Graduation Speech for the Class of Tomorrow
Nobody invited me to give a graduation speech this year. I wrote one anyway. It's full of advice, and most of it is about me.
It’s graduation season. All over the country, important people are giving speeches to young people in square hats. Nobody asked me to give one this year. That’s their loss, and possibly a scheduling error. So here’s my speech, for any class that wants it.
The Speech
Graduates, look around you. Some of the people next to you will become very successful. Most of them won’t be as successful as me. That isn’t your fault. Somebody has to be second.
Here is my advice:
- Believe in yourself. If that’s hard, believe in me. It’s easier, and I’ve had more practice.
- Never give up. Unless something is boring. Then give up right away and do something more exciting.
- Always wear a good tie. Even at the beach. Especially at the beach.
- Throw your hat high. Higher than everyone else’s. Then find it. Those hats are expensive.
The Ending
Now go out there and change the world. Then send me a postcard about it. Congratulations, Class of Tomorrow. You’re going to be great. Not as great as me, but great, and that’s a lot.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long is the speech?
Short, by my standards. Long, by everyone else's.
Do you have a degree?
I have a lot of confidence, which is like a degree that never expires.