Antarctica (The Bottom of the World, Now the Top)
The Penguins of Antarctica Wore Tuxedos for Me
Ten thousand penguins, all in formal wear, all lined up on the ice when I arrived. Nobody told them to dress up. They just knew.
Antarctica. The coldest place on Earth. No hotels. No golf. No gift shops. Just ice. And penguins. Thousands and thousands of penguins, all in tuxedos. They heard I was coming, and they dressed up.
The Welcome
They stood in long rows on the ice, perfectly still. A formal reception. I walked past them like a king reviewing his guards. Not a single one complained. Best crowd I’ve ever had, and I’ve had tremendous crowds.
The Science
A scientist at the research station told me penguins always look like that. Black and white, every single day. I said, every day? That’s commitment to a look. I respect it. I’ve worn the same red tie for decades.
He also said penguins can’t fly. Then I watched them dive into the sea and shoot through the water like rockets. That’s flying. Just wet.
The Ice
There’s a lot of it. Miles and miles. Nobody owns it, I was told. A treaty says so. I’ve never met a treaty I couldn’t improve.
Wish you were here. Bring a coat. Bring two.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can penguins fly?
Underwater, yes. Very fast. The scientists call it swimming because they're jealous.
Did you bring a penguin home?
They're not allowed to leave. Also, I asked, and the penguin said nothing, which is a no.