The National Mall, Washington, D.C.
America's 250th Birthday Party Ran Into the Next Day
The fireworks went on past midnight, so now America has two birthdays. Nobody else could have given it a second one.
America turned 250 this summer. Big number. Bigger than my age, by a little. I threw the party, and like all my parties, it went long.
The Party
First it rained. The sky was crying because it was so happy. Everybody ran for cover. I stood there, and my hair stayed perfect. Scientists are still studying it.
Then my speech. It was supposed to start at nine. I spoke just before midnight. When you’re the main event, you don’t open. You close.
The Fireworks
The biggest fireworks show in the history of the world, they told me, and I agreed with them. Hundreds of thousands of fireworks. It went on so long that it finished on the fifth of July.
So now America has two birthdays, the fourth and the fifth. Nobody else could have given America a second birthday. Nobody. It’s like a country getting a bonus.
The First Party
People ask whether I was at the first one, in 1776. I’d rather not say. But somebody signed the Declaration with a very big signature, and I have always had very big handwriting.
Frequently Asked Questions
Were you at the first one, in 1776?
In spirit. My spirit is very old and very patriotic.
How many fireworks were there?
All of them. They had to borrow some from next year.