The Rose Garden, Washington, D.C.
The Most Merciful Turkey Pardon in History
Two turkeys, one ceremony, no questions asked. I even pardoned the one that didn't show up. That's how merciful I am.
Every Thanksgiving, two turkeys come to Washington to beg for mercy. This year they got the most merciful man in the history of turkeys. I read the official pardon out loud, and here it is, for the history books.
The Official Pardon
By the power vested in me, which is a lot of power, more than usual, I hereby pardon these two turkeys for whatever it is they did.
I asked the first turkey to explain himself. He said, “Gobble.” I took it as a full confession, and I pardoned him anyway.
The second turkey didn’t come. He stayed home. I pardoned him too, which is the biggest pardon of all. You don’t even have to show up. That’s how good I am.
Terms and Conditions
- The turkeys will retire to a beautiful farm. Not as beautiful as mine, but nice.
- They may not be served at any dinner, including mine, which is the best dinner.
- They must say kind things about me for the rest of their lives. So far it’s only gobbling. We’ll take it.
Frequently Asked Questions
What crime did the turkeys commit?
They never said. They only gobbled. Lawyers love a client like that.
Will you eat turkey this Thanksgiving?
Not these two. They have my signature now. You can't eat a signed turkey.