Japan Ran Out of Pandas, So I Offered to Fill In

For the first time in more than fifty years, Japan has no pandas. The last two, a pair of twins, flew home to China in January. People lined up to say goodbye. I understand. People line up to see me leave, too. Out of sadness.

So I wrote to the zoo.

My Letter

Dear Zoo,

I hear you have an empty panda house. Big mistake to leave it empty. Huge.

I’m available. I’m black and white too, in formal wear. I can sit in a tree, or near a tree. I can eat in front of large crowds. I do it at every dinner I attend.

My terms are simple: a gold nameplate, no bamboo, and the crowd claps every time I chew. Nobody claps for a panda chewing. They should. They’ll learn with me.

Sincerely, Donny

What Happened Next

The zoo hasn’t answered yet. They’re probably building a bigger house. You don’t put Donny in a panda-sized one. Not even close.